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"89 Ways to Write Powerful Press Releases"
Lesson #48: Write for the Web
 In
her excellent ebook
"Press Releases (and Emails) from Hell and How to Fix Them," BL Ochman says
the rules for writing press releases for the Web are different than
the rules for writing them on paper.
She recommends:
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Make sentence and paragraphs short.
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White space is your friend. It makes
reading from the screen easier.
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Nothing is harder to read than a solid
block of copy.
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Use the simplest possible word and
sentence structure.
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Read it out loud and make sure you
don't get stuck on complex construction.
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If you trip on a word in the midst of
reading a sentence aloud, re-write the sentence.
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Use bullet points whenever you can.
Here's a before-and-after sample of a
truly dreadful 506-word release. BL reworked it into a compact 296
words that explain the news right up front. It's excerpted, with
permission from
"Press Releases (and Emails) from Hell and How to Fix Them." In both
versions, BL's comments are highlighted in yellow. The name of the
company has been changed to protect the guilty.
BEFORE
Aged Corporation Launches Latest
Cellular
Phone Safety Breakthrough
ST. Agnes, MI -- Aged Corporation, a
leading manufacturer of cellular phone safety solutions, today
announced the first cellular phone headset radiation
shield of its kind in the wireless market.
(This lead does not give us
a clue about the breakthrough.)
Tests conducted in the United Kingdom in November 2000, revealed
headsets increase the amount of cellular phone radiation penetrating
a user's head by more than 300% when compared to holding a phone
against the ear. In December 2000, the British government reversed
their earlier endorsement advising consumers to use headsets as
radiation exposure safety devices.
(This info should be in the
lead.)
Available in May 2001, AgedGuardTM Headset Radiation Shields prevent
up to 98% of the radiation emitted by cellular phones from being
transferred through headset wires, and deflect up to 99.9% of the
radiation emitted from a headset
earpiece. Frequencies up to 2.6 GHz. are supported.
(And here is the story angle
at last!)
"There are misconceptions among wireless consumers who believe they
are protected from cellular phone radiation if they use a headset,"
said M. David Kramer, President and CEO. "The wire between a phone
and earpiece serves as an antenna and radiation emissions from the
phone are transferred via the wire to the earpiece."
(Finally, here is what they
are selling. How much does it cost?)
AgedGuardTM Headset Radiation Shields consist of two components that
are installed without tools, including:
The Headset Wire Shield fits all
wireless phone headsets and blocks up to 98% of the radiation
transferred up the wire to the earpiece without affecting sound
quality, thus eliminating concerns about absorption by organs such
as the liver and kidneys. When combined with an Earpiece Shield,
shielding
effectiveness at the ear is up to 99.9%.
The initial Earpiece Shield model fits
all round-shaped "in-the-ear" headset models currently sold,
including EarBud and EarGel models.
Both components will be available individually or as a complete set.
The set includes one Headset Wire Shield and two Earpiece Shields,
one of which is a spare, and can be used with any cellular phone
headset having an in-the-ear
round earpiece. Headset Wire Shields for larger wire diameters and
other Earpiece Shield styles are being considered for future
production.
AgedGuard™
Headset Radiation Shields allow users
to enjoy the convenience of a headset while being protected from the
radiation.
Aged products are sold by worldwide authorized dealers. For more
information about Aged products and dealer locations, please visit
the Web site
http://www.agedcorp.com or call (314)588-9239. In addition, the
site has industry information, articles and scientific studies on
the effects of
cellular phone radiation.
About Aged Corporation: Since 1974, Aged Corporation has offered a
unique spectrum of technology based solutions, ranging from fiber
optics, wireless communication and laser products. Aged Corporation
is based in St. Louis, Missouri, and is privately held.
Aged™ and
AgedGuard™
are trademarks of Aged Corporation. Patents are currently pending on
each component of the Headset Radiation Shield.
CONTACT:
Matthew E. Brunnworth
Aged Corporation
http://www.agedcorp.com
Email
AFTER
(Note from Joan: Notice the
problem-to-solution angle in the headline and lead.)
Even Cell Phone Headset Users Get
Radiation;
Aged Corp's New Headset Shield Blocks 98%
ST. Louis, MO – Using a cell phone headset can expose you to up to
300 times more radiation than holding the phone to your ear
according to a recent British Government study. Now a new headset
radiation shield by Aged Corporation can block 98% of that
radiation. (Now the lead
tells who, what, when, where, why.)
The new AgedGuardTM Headset Radiation
Shields fit all wireless phone headsets and block up to 98% of the
radiation transferred up the wire to the earpiece without affecting
sound quality, thus eliminating concerns about absorption by organs
such as the liver and kidneys. Frequencies up to 2.6 GHz. are
supported and the product is available in May.
Growing evidence shows that headsets are not affording cell phone
users the radiation protection originally claimed, says M. David
Jaker, President and CEO of Aged, the leading manufacturer of
cellular phone safety solutions.
He notes that in December 2000 the British government reversed its
earlier recommendation that consumers use headsets as radiation
exposure safety shields, after new evidence about headset dangers
emerged in tests conducted
in the United Kingdom in November.
"There are misconceptions among wireless consumers who believe they
are protected from cellular phone radiation if they use a headset,"
said Kramer. "The wire between a phone and earpiece serves as an
antenna and radiation emissions from the phone are transferred via
the wire to the earpiece."
Aged products are sold by worldwide authorized dealers. For more
information about Aged products and dealer locations, please visit
the Web site
http://www.agedcorp.com or call (314)588-9239. The site has
industry information, articles and scientific studies on the effects
of cellular phone
radiation. (Refer to an
onsite press room where voluminous info can be provided.)
Opportunity #48:
New clients, customers
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